5:57 p.m. - 2003-02-04
raspberry
She came over last night. Imminent sex in her eyes. Rage and hate in mine. Her tall skinny body covered in a nearly transparent white dress, too elegant to be considered a nightgown, blut close. Long black hair pulled back from her pale face and green eyes. As she stepped closer to me i wondered how long it would be before i started breaking her. I sat in my leather gucci couch pushed against my far wall, black pants, my pale feet peeking out in contrast. White button down shirt, hardly buttoned, my head of black hair all over, cigarrete in hand. Headphones on, listening to Tool way too loud, staring. I saw her mouth something i couldnt hear, she probably thought i had turned it down because she was there. I thought i saw her mouth: Sever - Deny - Repent, Bend, bend under the pressure of the cross. Fall. Fall down, Never, ever get up.
My room is big. Id mention the dimensions but you barely have a concept of time or space so why bother. Its dark, my windows are covered by imported indian drapes, sun has no business here. I rely on my fireplace and hundreds of candles for light. Using artificial light gives me a migraine. My walls are painted black with mural-like paintings on them. Originals that ive done and scenes from Dantes Inferno. My ceiling has a scaled down version of the Sistine chapel on it. From where im sitting my wall to the left has a huge floor to ceiling mirror just to the right of a painting and a few feet over is my fire place. My bed is to the right of me, its an antique my parents bought me in a Sotheby's auction. Infront of me to the left but before my wall is another leather couch, while sitting on that you look straight ahead to some useless 51''a plasma TV screen. My room is filled with shelves of books i dont read, some books ive never heard of, and DVD's i dont watch. I have two oriental rugs as well. They dont really match my room but moviing couches, beds, etc, not really my style.
My eyes are violet, my skin is as pale as hers. I forget her real name, ive called her Jade for so long. Maybe that is her real name, it is to me - she never objected. Im taller than her by 4 inches or so at 6'0'' My body is defined but not muscular, just atheletic, despite the cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and insomnia.
I am staring at her green fucking eyes, so green its really unnatural. The kind of green eyes that could give you enough light in a black room. That you know have to be toxic or hazardous material. The kind of eyes you would stab out of jealousy if you werent fucking the person who owned them. She kept walking towards me, her dress clingly tightly to her otherwise naked body. I took a sip of my bourbon knowing: Her perfectly perky 32c breasts looked pale and defiant of gravity in their bra-less posture. Her pussy was shaven, clean, devoid of taste and smell aside from the faint hint or raspberries. Her skin had not a single freckle, blemish, birthmark, or scar. Yes i knew all this, and i was helpless to do anything about it. I hated her.
She sat next to me, not drinking or smoking, keeping her straight white teeth innocent. I took off my headphones, she said: Easier to pretend youre listening when you dont have those things on. i replied: just because i dont give a fuck about what you say, doesnt mean im not listening. she said: dont make it seem like you care about me or anything. i told her: These dim rooms filled with beautiful things, beautiful words, and beautiful people is love. For you. I wish that this was love - i wish it were this easy. But its not and i dont love you. I hate and resent you because this, me, us, this is love and its enough for you. I need more, i dont even know what i need but i always need more. I get urges to rip your face off and your eyes out because i want to love you so badly. she said: that is the sweetest thing i ever heard. i told her: its better than that stupid bullshit everyone always talks about before they fuck to make it seem like their sex means something. like they made love because they said a few sweet things, extended a kiss here and there, and spoon each other afterwards. im about to fuck you like we dont matter, tomorrow doesnt exist - im going to fuck you to tear you, to bruise your thighs, to leave you sore and feeling my dick for days to come. she said: and what makes you think im goint to let you fuck me? I kissed her. With my eyes open. I kissed her neck after her lips, her lips, her skin, her hair, everything all tastes like raspberries.
Kissing her again, our tongues and lips know each others, their dance is improved but they move like its rehearsed or meant to be, my hand sliding up her legs - between them, pulling her dress up as my hand gets closer to her pussy. I answered her question with my touch, maybe she wanted to say "no" but she wasnt about to. My fingers and lips debated which lips of hers were wetter. I went down on her until she came, placed the raspberry kisses stuck to my lips up her body until i got to her mouth. My eyes told hers that i hated her, hated her for being so beautiful, for making me want her so badly, for wanting nothing but to make her cum. She was going to start sucking my dick, but i lightly threw her back on my couch and stared into her eyes more, kissing her, working my dick inside her.
She had to know this wasnt love, i was fucking her too hard for it too be romantic or sexy or anything but animalistic, she just screamed harder and louder. i picked her up, her legs wrapped around me , i carried her over to my full length mirror and placed her back against it. her arms and legs wrapped around me, as im fucking her. i needed her to feel pain, i bit her neck so hard it bled as i thrust my cock in her as hard as i could. her nails ripped into my back, it felt so beautiful. i wanted to be my own blood so i could drip all over myself. her lips moved in towards mine to taste the blood on them. as her lips met mine i pushed my head foreward fast, jamming my cock into her with equal force, the mirror rained down on us. i repeated the same motion in our reflective rain before she knew what was happening. her head and ass put two holes in my wall, the mirror made doorways for our blood. i had felt mine under the surface for some time, trying hard to get out, to get to her. she collapsed on me in gasps of pain and pleasure. tears welled up in her eyes, i had never seen something so beautiful. i was wondering which eye hated me, which tears were for pain. we were fucking on the shards of mirror, i was catching glimpses of us fucking, reflections of blood and sex and beauty and love. she cut my chest with a piece of broken mirror and tore at the line of blood with her teeth and lips. the adrenaline killed my urge to cum and i kept fucking her, harder and harder. mirror digging into us. taking shards with her blood on it and licking them, cutting my tongue, tasting her raspberry blood. a sharp pain burned my leg, i looked into her eyes, i saw the reflection of her hand holding a candle, pressing it with force into my thigh, and i knew she felt it. the hate and the wanting for love. knowing she could hurt me, she could break me, so long as she was there to pick up the pieces, fill the gaps she tore into me. this hate was so much more real and true and profound than love, but so close to it. I fucked her all over my room. We bled on each other, we fed on each other. We bled on my rugs, my expensive couches, my bed, my walls, my TV, my candles, even on my ceiling.
We came so hard. I thought her thighs were going to break mine, she tightened with such pressure i thought my dick was going to be ripped off and lost inside her. When our breathing and hearts and blood calmed down she bent over and sucked us off my dick. I did my best to clean her but i think my tongue may have left more raspberry than it took.
I have already planned her death. Im going to crucify her, im going to fuck her as i nail her to my cross. Im going to fuck her for days as she dies. Im going to cum on her face when she finally goes. I will slice her side with a lance to make sure that shes gone.
I will commit suicide samurai style the next day with the same lance. I will disembowel myself on the ground before her. I will do my best to eat as much of my intestines as i can while staring at her dead naked body. I want to see if her raspberry taste is embedded in my bowels.
Im going to chase her over the landscapes of eternity. Fucking and killing her as much as i can. She is my soul hate.
