4:12 a.m. - 2003-02-01
heroin
Your misunderstanding - enslaving hands and eyes turn me into a post-op jack nicholson - one flew over the cuckoos nest style. (yes that sentence rocked - incase you didnt realize - read it again)
its 4am again. Poetry is about to flow from me like embalming fluid through the pussy of a chick thats been dead for 3 weeks after erin and i stomp on her stomach. Mung baby. OK - i lied about the poetry, but the sentence was cool, and if you havnt gotten a good visual - imagine you are a girl (especially you things with boobs) and that you have been dead for 3 weeks. Your body has been filled up with preservatives, you are laying there, dead, lifeless, your body is bloating, your stomach is rising, its kind of pale, blue, purple, like your pregnant, or an exploding sun. I jump on your stomach, where does this pressure release? where does yer slop wind up? 10-20-30? feet across the room after projecting like a pussy waterfall. Maybe it would hit yer lil bro with front row seats?
im gonna guess i lost 50 readers already. Just wait, just you wait. It only gets better though. i promise.
No one cares what i did today, or yesterday, or what im going to do tomorrow. You feeling that? Well no one cares that no one cares about you either. No one cares youre anorexic, that your a girl, that you like emo or punk music, no one cares that yer an overlooked computer geek chink. Stop going on with your days - stop dripping your blood all over me and my computer and keyboard. I cant stand it. I dont care if you got drunk today or you smoke weed, you still are NOT cool - Do not say "that cynical asshole bastard" cause no one else cares what you did either, or if you do it again. Or maybe they do - so, heres for the people that care - I woke up this morning, i took the hugest fucking shit ever, i hadnt gone in like 3 days because i had taken immodium AD for my diarrhea. I drank 3 beers and 4 cups of coffee, snorted 7 lines of coke, and went to work. Work sucked, work always sucks. I go to the bathroom 14 times a day to snort coke, take ritalin, whatever. My boss is a whore - she gave me crabs last year. I went out, found someone with gonorrhea, contracted it, gave it to her. Thank god for penecillin. Today was led zeppelin weekend on the only station that matters q-104.3 so i went home, smoked some base - got real upped so that when i shot my daily gram of heroin i would spin into 4 different galaxies and dimensions simultaneously. I put on my AM/FM walkman, dressed up in cammo, got out my silenced nine milli - went on a rampage around the neighborhood. on the day, confirmed kills. 5 cats, 2 deer, 3 dogs, something that looked like an alligator but i was super fucked the fuck up so it mighta been yer mom. and my sisters hampster. every 8 year old needs to get acquainted with death at some point. right?
Then i fucked this 19 year old model want to be. Tall, skinny, dark haired, green eyes, shaven, totally heroin chic look. This girl is broken, no esteem, no ego, too much money, too much time, too much heroin. I use her for sex and drugs. She uses me to say things her dad never said to her. Its a sad situation but im no therapist, so i fuck her good and sometimes hold her hair back when her equilibrium cant handle the H. I have some morals. I dont ever help her find a vein, i never cook her shit, i never push her needle. But i get a god damn hard on everytime she does it. She cracked her front left tooth on my toilet this evening. She didnt feel it and i fucked her anyway. Whispered a hollow compliment afterwords, maybe it was "i love you" maybe it was "youre beautiful" or special, who knows, who fucking cares. I saw the lines in her face where a smile would have appeared. My brother called me - hes older, 25, lives in Australia. His voice hits my ear and i dont know how to react, his tone is always perfect. Hes got this sublime voice, almost sounds bisexual, not straight, not gay, just this androgenous voice that warms your whole body, wraps it in heated blankets. I pretended not to speak english, he called back, i pretended to be a pizza place. He didnt call back, hell try again in another few months. after 2 hours of heavenly heroin i brought my mind back with some coke. im a total addict. my nose bleeds so much some days - i dont stop it - i want to pass out, maybe die. every morning i wake up with the taste of blood in my mouth. Everyday i think someone might care. Everyday i think i might care. that i might care about caring. Want to want. Live to live. After talking to my brother i punched the last existing mirror in my house. Maybe you want to know what i look like. I dont remember - im doing my best to forget about life. i dont even know how to think or to feel, it doesnt matter what i look like. My eyes would burn holes in you with disdain.
I would break you.
I am breaking you.
